Mind the Gap… But Which One?
Have you ever wondered why you don't get the promotion you deserve or why your colleagues keep interrupting you as if you were transparent? Let's find out.
10 million people live in London, and most of us use TFL daily to see our demanding boss, meet friends for a lavish brunch that our credit card wishes we would decline, or simply to get out of the city and have a well-deserved break.
Although the amount of money we spend to have the right to circulate will always remain on my ranting list, I know that each Londoner holds a warm and unique memory on a Tube station that brings us back to a significant moment in our life.
King's Cross St. Pancras, Oxford Circus, Waterloo, Victoria, Canary Wharf, Westminster, Holborn, Baker Street, Kentish Town, Whitechapel, Liverpool Street, Clapham, Vauxhall, Elephant & Castle, all have kept some juicy secrets, but the one I have decided to pick and share for this article is Bethnal Green.
So, let’s digress a bit, shall we?
30kg ago back in 2014, I was slimmer, younger, and addicted to volleyball. Every Sunday, I religiously rushed to Bethnal Green to train, sweat and jump like a gazelle. It was fun. It was challenging. And it was physically and emotionally rewarding to be part of a group to win matches by spiking hard in the face of our opponents.
The cherry on top was the weekly mini-drama, which sprinkled this experience with laughter and great learning about the human’s distorted mind. Every year, each player had to be assessed to know if they should be promoted, demoted (Ouch) or remain in the same team. And every year, players who were not promoted threatened to leave the club and shared on social media how traumatic and unfair the coach’s decision was. But guess what, most of the players never left, #allthisdramaforthat.
10 years later, I no longer wear an M-size T-shirt and I carry more wisdom that I have learned from those trivial reactions, and 2 things stand out.
Firstly, when it comes to our hobbies our ego plays a bigger part than we want to admit. Thriving to improve your skills and become better is a very honourable mindset, but if you have to turn sour and sulky because of someone else’s decision, it is just not worth it. If you don’t get what you want, just work harder.
Secondly, despite their very best efforts and talent, there are some people who will never get the right level of recognition or the promotion they deserve - but why is that?
In the professional world, annual reviews are conducted by managers who make their decisions based on biases, conscious or unconscious. Whether you like it or not, the “what they see is what you’ll get” rule is likely to dictate your career progression, unless you become your own boss.
However, I couldn’t help but wonder if the problem for those 'secretly talented' individuals lies in their tendency, conscious or not, to undersell or shadow their own abilities. In other words, why do some people choose to become transparent and miss great opportunities, and if so, how does it happen?
We are now approaching our 2nd digression.
Excuse my English, but It is well known that those who are described as being “full of shit” are considered deceitful, someone you do want to give your trust. In French, we tend to be more polite, well just in that instance, and we would describe an honest and reliable person as a whole, “une personne entière".
Interestingly, in both languages, the way to correctly assess if someone can be given trust relies on the beholder’s ability to see the full picture of someone’s wholeness or foolishness. But what does happen if a piece is missing in this puzzle reconstruction?
We are now approaching our 3rd digression.
In Western societies, we are led to believe that talking over and over about an issue with your shrink is the best way to deal with it. Well, if this is the case, it didn’t quite help my teammates to be promoted! So, if our words are not enough to tell us what is wrong with us, what else can we hold on to?
In his book “The Body Keeps Score” Bessel van der Kolk advocates for a therapeutical approach that reconciles our minds, which desperately try to leave trauma behind through words and rational thinking, and our bodies which remain trapped in the past with wordless emotions and feelings.
“In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them. Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past”. Putting the body at the centre of our healing process is the core teaching of this book.
But even if our body holds the keys to open the window we fear to open, what do we do once we enter the dark side of our personality that prevents us from shining?
We are now approaching our 4th digression.
Our body is the most sophisticated machine that exists. When facing a life-threatening event, such as a car accident or a physical attack, our body will do anything to keep us alive. Our body release hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol that prioritise survival by sharpening physical responses to trigger the famous fight or flight reaction, which I am sure you have heard during mandatory well-being training.
Whilst the adrenaline increases our heart rate and blood pressure, enhancing oxygen delivery to vital organs for immediate action, the cortisol activates our energy reserves, heightening alertness, and focus.
However, if for whatever reason we are not able to flight or fight, our body, again, will protect us by releasing endorphins which are natural painkillers. Endorphins have the benefits of reducing pain perception and offer a buffer against overwhelming stress and trauma. It is also said the person is now in a “freeze” state.
The ultimate technique our body has at its disposal is called “dissociation”, which is a coping mechanism where a person disconnects from their thoughts, feelings, memories, or sense of identity during a traumatic experience.
Ok, apart from me showing off my knowledge, why it is useful and what the hell does it have to do with the previous digressions? Well, follow me.
We are now approaching our final digression.
People who have experienced a dissociative state would often say that “It's like watching yourself from the outside as if you're observing someone else, it is like something was detached from your body”.
In some ancient traditions, interestingly, it is said that someone who has not overcome a traumatic event has lost a part of their soul. Interesting…
Whether it is a loss of your mind, a depletion of energy or an escape of the soul in this process something becomes missed, creating an empty space, a hole, a void, a gap!
A gap that stands between you and the rest of the world and prevents your qualities and talents to be seen fully. And once you get used to be trapped in this invisible prison, you’re more likely to be interrupted in a team meeting or not given your place. You might also not be considered to be “right for a promotion” and be casted to play the fakest version of yourself until you retire. How wonderful is that?
However, the gap that can hurt you the most is the one between you and yourself. This is not only because it's the most intimate, but also because it prevents your true self from shining deeply, truly, and unconditionally.
So, now we have arrived at our final stop, it might be time to mind your gaps.
SOURCES
The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk
Yes, you can sit with us by Mr Verdickt