Toxic Masculinity 1 - Toxic Pride 0
I recently went to Brussels to celebrate my mum's birthday and Mother’s day. And icing on the cake was that it was also Pride weekend. Talk about killing 3 birds with one stone! Before I moved to London, Brussels Gay Pride used to be colourful, and unpretentious with a unique “Brusselair touch". The event was a very powerful opportunity for the LGBT community to be truly out and proud, and claim for more equality. And 15 years later, some things have changed for the better, but some also for worse.
This year more than 150,000 visitors travelled to enjoy the rainbow street parties and to embrace in all shapes and forms the “love is love” spirit. As the trendy deep house sounds echoed through the narrow streets near the “Grand-Place” , overthrowing the traditional French speaking gay icons such as Mylene Farmer, Dalida and our national Annie Cordie, there was no doubt that Brussels Pride had lost its local vibe. Also, It was no longer about activism or the fight for equality. It was all about brand exposure for everyone from political parties to banks, insurance companies, soft drink giants, taxis, restaurants, and so on. I guess this is what they call Rainbow Washing.
Has Pride become mainstream and sold out everything to big corporations? And if so, who profits from it? The LGBT community, or the big corporations?
According to a GWI survey, 67% of respondents agree that brands should support the community year-round. Initiatives for LGBT people also help engage consumers, especially those in the community. More than 50% of respondents say they engage with brands’ initiatives occasionally or most of the time, and about 14% say they have never seen any initiative outside of Pride month.
Google research shows that people are more likely to consider or purchase a product after seeing an ad they consider diverse or inclusive.
In addition to this, according to research featured in Harvard Business Review, we can see that LGBT-inclusive companies
Attract and retain top talent, 72% of respondents said that, all else being equal, they are more likely to accept a job at a company that is supportive of LGBT employees, than one that is not supportive
Harness the insight of LGBT employees to drive market innovation
Win the business and loyalty of discerning consumers- 82% of respondents across the multimarket sample say they are more likely to purchase from a company that supports LGBT equality.
By the look of it, small businesses and big corporations have strong interests and benefits to support the LGBTQ cause. But does it to be all about money?
But back to Brussels Pride. A couple of hours before going to the parade, I was invited to an apero (a pre-drink party, which involves a lot of drinking), by one of my friends' friends. His name was Andrea, and he is an Italian ex-gogo dancer who allegedly was the “Queen B” in the European capital drag scene. Andrea’s flat was gorgeous and spacious, and decorated in a Victor Horta’s style with a large collection of colourful vinyl's stuck on the doors and vintage furniture. Honestly, Brussels flats make any Londoner feel ashamed.
Upon arrival, he welcomed us with cocktails and a very loud “Ciao '' and i instantly though ‘now that’s what I call a party’. A couple of the drinks and Ru-paul episodes later, I was asked if I wanted to dress up for the parade as “NaNaH Diarrhay”. A witty and punny alter ego that contrasts the elegance of my favourite diva Lana Del Rey (I have always had something for white depressed female singers smoking sensually long cigarettes) and something a little grosser. And whilst I was tempted, my 3 years of lockdown which consisted of a cookie diet, has meant I have chosen to say goodbye to NaNah, and bonjour to my summer sadness.
Andrea’s straight female friends were adamant to share their views on body positivity while explaining that Pride was all about freedom and acceptance. I politely declined using my British diplomatic skills. After all, my body, my choice, right?
However, the conversation switched from sweet piña colada to dry martini when it was implied that men (gay, bi, straight or otherwise) who refuse to dress up or to a lesser extent display their female side in public, have not overcome their inner toxic masculinity.
According to Wikipedia, Toxic masculinity may be defined as a set of attitudes and ways of behaving, stereotypically associated with or expected of men. And this could be caused by the fact that men are being told to “man up” or “grow a pair” when things get tough. To remain aloof and not display any sign of weakness and to be good at sports and look physically strong. For many progressivists, toxic masculinity is the foundation of a patriarchal society that oppresses women.
But hang on a second. Our fathers and grandfathers had to deal with different issues such as wars, colonisation, and immigration while working in very precarious conditions and taking heavy manual jobs like working in the mines or in a factory. Those men were front line and had to be ‘strong’, whatever it takes for their survival but also their family stake. I am not denying that women might not have had the best part of the deal, but have we gone too far by saying that manhood or masculinity can be or is toxic?
And if there is such a thing as toxic masculinity, could we also apply the same logic to say there is toxic femininity, toxic diversity, toxic moral progressivity, and even toxic homosexuality? Where do we draw the line to create a more equal society?
In his book “Velvet Rage”, psychologist Alan Downs draws on his own struggle with shame and anger, contemporary research, and stories from his patients to passionately describe the stages of gay men's journey out of shame. The author doesn't refer to toxic masculinity but instead “Toxic shame”. He describes this as the trauma caused by being exposed to overwhelming shame during childhood or adolescence, which leaves an internalised and deeply held belief that a gay man is somehow unacceptable, unlovable, shameful, and in short, flawed.
Calling out the roots of a problem that impacts individual well-being is a much wiser and more appropriate approach than simply blaming men for being men. What’s next, being guilty of charges for having a beard? And just to be clear, I am not the most masculine man in the room. I have been in situations where I have been overlooked, not taken seriously and even mocked because of that. We are privileged to live in a society that allows men to express their masculinity in diverse ways and not be too restricted to the ‘Alpha man’ stereotype.
However, being told how to be, or in this case, not to be in order to fit new social constructs is a sign of what I will call toxic pride. An excessive (somehow deluded) confidence and feeling to be better or more important than others as a result of one’s progressivism belief systems.
As we left his flat, Andrea and I exchanged ideas on androgyny and cross-dressing and its meaning in our society. Although it might sound innocent and trivial, we discussed Camille Paglia's views on this topic. According to her, the rise of androgyny has occurred over and over again with the decline in any society. What she also points out is that it coincides with the rise of violent men worried that we ‘cut their balls’.
As my friends were getting super jolly and couldn't walk straight, no pun intended, I couldn’t help thinking if as a society we were still valuing ‘strong men’? Those who wake up early and get the job done. Those who by choice will remain quiet to leave more space for others to grow? Those who have a stricter sense of right and wrong, and will pose strong boundaries to avoid us getting burned?
Are we in the Michael Hopf cycle of life “Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, and weak men create hard times”?
Suddenly Andrea grabbed me and asked me “Where do we go from there, the street is full?”,
I was thinking, “Well you are Queen B, shouldn't you know” but I simply replied, “I don’t know”.