If Victimhood is an Addiction, We All Need an Intervention!
As society prioritises victimhood over victorship, what are our chances of becoming the hero of our own life? Through the concept of the Drama Triangle, find out why the victim mindset is so appealing
Drama.
Who does not like a juicy unexpected rollercoastering drama, especially when it unfolds at work?
Whether it is a client having a break-down during an important meeting, or two colleagues who found they have more in common than their working hours and have decided to upgrade from desk neighbour to bed partners. And don’t forget the usual passive-aggressive comments you might receive in email, which, in old age, would have been like slapping someone with an empty glove.
En garde!
Yes, drama at work is one of these things that sprinkles our rather meagre and miserable nine-to-five existence made of futile PowerPoints and unnecessary processes that comfort box tickers in their ignorance. With only one coffee and twenty delayed days to publish this article, my rather cynical view of office jobs has hit the roof, if you can keep up with this, take a look at my article “The obsolescence of bullshit jobs.
But like most things in life that increase our level of adrenaline and dopamine for a short period without bringing anything valuable and constructive, they are likely to be addictive.
According to the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition), addiction falls under the category of Substance-Related and Addictive Disorders. Addictions are defined as a chronic brain disease characterised by compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli, despite negative consequences. It is good to know that it is not limited to substances but can also apply to behaviour, which disrupts an individual's ability to function normally in daily life.
Don’t ask me why for some sordid reasons it has become “trendy” to share on social media any sort of addictions and disorders. Are people willing to do anything for a like? Or do they get such a blurry idea of what constitutes a real addiction and the impacts it has on someone’s life, which can explain this frivolous demeanour?
Let’s take a closer look. For an individual to be diagnosed with an addiction they must display some of the symptoms (listed below) within the last 12 months:
Individuals struggle to limit substance use or behaviour, even when intending to cut down or stop.
A significant amount of time is spent obtaining, using, or recovering from the substance or behaviour, impacting social and professional life.
Intense urges or cravings to use the substance or engage in compulsive behaviour, often triggered by environmental or emotional cues.
They are failing to fulfil major obligations at work, school, or home.
Persistent use or behaviour despite the impact on relationships, including conflicts with family, friends, or colleagues while being in a state of denial.
Continuing use in situations where it is physically dangerous (e.g., driving while intoxicated or gambling recklessly), or when knowing it causes harm.
Lastly, and perhaps less commonly known, what truly distinguishes bad habits from real addiction is the decrease in tolerance. As tolerance lessens, individuals need more of the substance to achieve the same effect. As a result, the substances are needed in greater quantities or for a longer period than originally intended. This can also lead to experiencing severe withdrawal symptoms when the substance is not used, which are often relieved by taking more of it.
Once we realise the long-lasting impacts an addiction can have on someone’s life, it becomes clear that it is anything but a game. Ironically, in reality, we often think twice before labelling things as addictions, even when we should.
Who knows… you may just have bad habits that you can’t be bothered to change - and that is ok!
Well… Is it really?
As time has gone by, I have managed to grow my audience on Substack, which is exciting, and my next goal is to reach 3,000 followers. However, in this journey, I noticed some LinkedIn connections have disappeared in the wind, allegedly for my so-called “controversial point of view on some topics” to quote an ex-colleague and connection.
On the one hand, I am flattered to start having “haters”, as it’s only to be expected when you start exposing yourself and your ideas. After all on ne peut pas plair a tout le monde!
On the other hand, I am still trying to figure out the exact reason(s) that justified this decision, and I’ll probably never find out as, alas, I am now blocked! In my recent article “No Pride. No Shame! And no Intimacy?”, I explained how social media pushes for social conformity by manufacturing thoughts, desires and fears. It is unsurprising to see people gravitate towards those who share the same views, but is it the best way?
How can we build a better world without having honest and uncensored conversations? The absence of debates tends to inevitably nourish frustrations and resentment, and as our online interactions start to overtake face-to-face ones, I predict we will see more connection erasures, preceded by a click on the “unfollow” or “block” button.
As time spent on social media increases globally, has our propensity to be polarised increased proportionally?
According to Google Trend data we can see that since COVID-19 there has been a surge in searches that surround semantically the “cancel culture”, which is the best way our society has found to metastasise our inability to handle conflicts and criticisms.
Let’s face it - cancel culture is not going anywhere. YouTube channels are being banned, Instagram posts despite their filters are being removed, and more and more companies are proudly boycotting X. What’s next then?
One can think that if we are increasingly consuming shorter content on social media that shamelessly skips the counterargument’s part, are we doomed to be less immune to realising that our views can be partially and insidiously flawed? And, if true, could it leave us being perpetually misunderstood by those with different views, or involuntarily adopting a victimhood mindset?
Seeing yourself as a victim is a curse that precludes you from seeing yourself as the hero of your own life, and there are two reasons for this. The first is that you will become your own oppressor, shackled to your own words that confine you to the belief that you are nothing more than what you fear to be, a victim! If you say you can, you will. Conversely, if you say you can’t, don’t expect anything good to come out.
The second is that when you are offered the chance to avoid taking responsibility for your actions (or lack of it) you will inherently believe the world owes you something (and in some cases everything), which is a first-class ticket for entitlement island. Sorry babe, but no one owes you anything!
As I finished the last paragraph I became fairly intrigued. Not because victimhood was being promoted in the last post I read on LinkedIn but because I figured that further research was needed to obtain a deeper understanding of the victim mentality.
I also wondered how we managed to erase the hero in our societal storytelling; since when has being the victim become more honourable and respectable, when we used to be told to “be the best version of ourselves”?
So, after some book readings and video watching, I’m more comfortable putting the right words behind deconstructing and contextualising the mechanism behind the victim mentality. For this, I will be using the life-changing psychological model called “The Drama Triangle” conceptualised by Stephen B. Karpman.
Ok, but what is the drama triangle?
It is a psychological model that describes a pattern of dysfunctional interactions that often occur when people with less secure attachment styles are put in a conflictual situation. So, instead of stating clearly their needs and boundaries, they will try to get their needs met without explicitly stating them, expecting others will fill in the blanks and do it for them.
People with an anxious attachment style are driven (blindly) by a fear of rejection and may be overly dependent on their partners and seek constant reassurance and consequently will try to get their needs met by overstating them to ensure they are not abandoned.
People with an avoidant attachment style tend, on the other hand, to display strong independence as they often feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy. The core belief that underpins their behaviour is often linked to a fear of displaying their vulnerability or needs because they dread being abandoned.
I love this model because it illustrates elegantly how individuals engage, once being triggered, in repetitive and unproductive dynamics, which lead them to mix past wounds or trauma with their present interactions, whilst unconsciously switching between different roles (victim, persecutor and rescuer), creating a cycle of conflict fostered with guilt, shame and blame.
Sounds like the perfect never-ending drama show!
Knowing how the drama triangle is not only a lifesaver (trust me, once you know it you will see it everywhere) but it also helps to understand how people bid strategically to gain the victim position by adopting any of the roles mentioned earlier. And in case you didn't know by now, it’s everything but a victory!
Let’s take a deeper look at how dysfunctional this drama is.
As we have seen earlier the victim mindset is characterised by the reluctance to take responsibility for anything bad that happened in their life, blaming others while not taking ownership of their feelings. Consequently when engaging in a conflict the “Victim” in the Drama Triangle will operate with the thinking and belief that the situation cannot be better if the person they are interacting with (the persecutor) is not changing. Which can be summarised by “I will not be happy until you change or unless you fix my problems”. Allo can I speak to an Accountability Manager, please?
People who are prone to endorsing this role at the beginning of a conflict see themselves as unable to change their circumstances and feel perpetually wronged or oppressed. Therefore they seek validation, attention, or sympathy from others which leads to inviting Rescuers to reinforce their sense of victimhood and dependence on external solutions.
The “Persecutor” on the other hand will operate on the belief that “I am right and you’re wrong, and there is no in-between!”. Ouch, that sounds a bit too familiar, can I speak to the Nuance Manager, please?
In a tense conflict, it is so easy to take this role and spend time and energy explaining why someone is wrong and why you are right. By relying on logical, rational, emotional, spiritual, economic, and academic arguments, we often fail to recognise that we aren’t obligated to anyone else for our feelings. We may expect to feel better only if the other person agrees to change their perspective or behaviour. And this is a major trait of the victimhood mentality!
You can be the cleverest person in the room and still be trapped in a game of pointing the finger game, punishing those who you view as weaker or more vulnerable, such as the Victim using a rigid sense of superiority.
While the Persecutor role seems to be the villain in the story, their mindset is structured around a moral fear that if I am wrong, I must be the bad one. Therefore all their attempts to convince the “Victim” are a way to protect them from the premise of their fragile and flawed worldview. One way to get out of this role is to accept there might be a third option that can be explored instead of playing the blaming game.
The “Rescuer” role is the most insidious and difficult to detect as they operate on the assumptions that “I have no needs and I am above it all”. Excuse me, have you seen modesty somewhere?
Showing a high level of self-righteousness and the desire to be needed, they feel the obligation to save the Victim at all costs. The issue is not so much their sense of superiority, or the fact they put their needs on pause 247, reinforcing the Victim’s feeling of persecution.
No, their main issue is they refuse to own their true feelings; there are no selfless good deeds even for the most benevolent person on this planet, which includes you too! Having the audacity to be indispensable will result in resenting the victim and trying to get their needs met by acting like the Persecutor.
So many things can be said about the drama triangle and I will use it in my content, but it might be time to conclude.
As we are living in a society that prioritises addiction over sobriety, victimhood over victorship, and fantasies over reality the best way to get out of this is simply to stop playing games, and get real!
SOURCES
Cancel Culture Google Trends
The Anxious Attachment Style by Heidi Priebe
The Avoidant Attachment Style by Heidi Priebe
The Drama Triangle by Dr. Karpman
How We Change (and 10 Reasons Why We Don't) by Dr Ross Ellenhorn
I agree, I see people who use conditions as a crutch and a form of identity.
Letting go of that is almost impossible and when I try to get them to release fear and imagine the life beyond their illness hiw they can reframe their words to become a strong individual they can't get their head around it for a while, when they do they start to understand that drama only fuels the victim mindset and gives them a sense of self righteousness to do nothing and feed their mindset that is in a state of lack.
Another great read!!